tag:dreamwidth.org,2025-02-24:4218183 st0rms_cr0w st0rms_cr0w 2025-04-27T21:15:33Z tag:dreamwidth.org,2025-02-24:4218183:692 2025-04-27T11:04:16Z 2025-04-27T21:15:33Z I will not break by Disturbed public 0 I'm scared that i will be on my own from now on.. I had some wonderful years of being someone else's if that makes sense, now my prediction of a mad cat lady might be the future, although Lady is pushing it :D<br /><br /><br />Now don't look at me like that. *wry smile* I get scared, worried, so unsure and I can even convince myself that I am stupid to think that people don't like me..<br /><br />But what is bugging me right now is my all over mixture of emotions up, down, twist that way and twist this, highs and drops. Crying and feeling very very lonely. I try to fill the days etc but it's not the filling the days/nights Honestly, sometimes you just want to feel someone’s presence without all the expectations just a hug, a cozy night of laughter, and feeling understood without saying much. it doesn't have to be sexual just knowing that the person is there cos they like you/your company. It’s the simple stuff that hits the hardest. It makes my bones ache is the best way to describe it..<br /><br />So for example you have a person who is your go to person for pretty everything and then that go to have gone (for whatever reason) What would it feel like? Like a prt of you is missing, that you know it's wrong but you need to face this new reality. You know you can do it but it's not the same without your friend, when you do something awesome or small and want to tell them but there is no way of letting them know there is just silence. Your friend, cheerleader, one person that will have your back always. <br />Ans it sucks. it hurts and you start ranting at the world saying again its not fucking fair!<br />I am aware that my version of Pandora's box is open in my head and I am slowly working through things that I want to put back in the box.<br /> Why?<br /><br />*wry smile* there was/is a way to take down my very pretty walls to let all the stress/pain out and leave me in a mess to really get everything out so it's cathartic, freeing and cleansing. <br />It resulted in me being a boneless mess bawling my eyes out while,<br />Pol would sit and just talk to me in his quiet voice.. He used to say it was the best if the only way I would let anyone in, cos I was so bloody stubborn at holding everyone else up..I don't get a sexual thrill from it, it's almost like permission/encouraging me to let it go..<br />There are days that I could use that, just so I could let go for a while, unfortunately there are trust issue( mine mostly)<br /><br />Because for right now they are proving to be a distraction to say the least. Mostly because I haven't really thought of anything much til now and then I start reading which fires up my imagination and suddenly it's off making up it's own scenes and stories. Yes all we all and good BUT if I want to do anything about it, I would have to go onto things like dating apps etc *winces* oh yeah the last time was so successful! Someone ages ago suggested going to munches etc, but means going on my own... Ummmm nope I am not normally a mouse but self esteem and belief have taken a large battering and also I used to like company going to those sort of events. <br /><br />One was going to meet for coffee, he walked right past me and didn't, never heard from him again, one convinced me he wanted a relationship and I met up with him, but then nothing. At the time being a single mum seemed to have translated into desperate! More fool them because after my ex husbands comment that I was too fat to fuck, you learn quickly enough to spot the ones that think you are gagging for it. <br /><br />So while trying to positive about most things, this is the one thing that let's it all down. At 56 near 57 you would have thought I'd have a bit more confidence but online is easy to do because it's just another mask..<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=st0rms_cr0w&ditemid=692" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments tag:dreamwidth.org,2025-02-24:4218183:463 2025-03-15T16:17:05Z 2025-03-15T16:17:05Z Planet Zero - Shinedown blah public 0 I will not apologise for Sleep Token, band lyrics or titles to head up the journal, i used to love doing that and confusing the heck out of people. <br /><br />So the first entry will possibly the one that I recently posted on FB. Brcause it's a good place to start and then jump all over the place<br /><br />There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there just is this emptiness when there once was life, hope, love.Taking off the mask of I'm fine, I'm coping let's the loneliness in, the fatigue, the constant ache of something missing. <br />But I am tired, so fucking tired and the mask is wearing thin and cracks are showing.. <br />Do you reach out, bend and ear, use a , use a shoulder to resay everything that you have said before: it's not fair, missing them, why, and feeling guilty for not being there when they died, & for offloading the mostly the same stuff it feels...<br />Overthinking afterwards feeling that you've said too much didn't think of them while you were talking..<br />Then in the morning refixing the mask on to show the world you are fine, your are coping..<br />Some days I just want to wallow but feel bad for not coping as well as i am supposed to.<br />So this is me saying Hi, I am a fucked up emotional mess who is not coping and who talks to themselves<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=st0rms_cr0w&ditemid=463" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments